2012: The end is nigh, but Hollywood keeps on rolling!

Yosayf Jay Dunn

2011 was year that saw Harry Potter battle Lord Voldemort for the last time, the Transfomers took us to the Dark Side of the Moon, and Captain Jack Sparrow minced his way onto stranger tides. So with the possibility of this being mankind’s final year on planet Earth can the silver screens of Hollywood go out with a bang? Or will a Justin Bieber sequel have us reaching for the cyanide?

Fear not fellow cinema goers Mr Bieber is too busy this year entering puberty, however teenage hearts will still be set a flutter with the final instalment of the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn 2. If the sight of a shirtless Robert Pattinson isn’t your thing but you still need a dose of blood sucking action, then the skin tight latex clad form of Kate Beckinsale maybe your thing as she returns as kick ass vampire Selene in Underworld: Awakening. For those golden oldie fans, lookout for the remake of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but don’t hold your hopes up too high for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. No, that isn’t a mistake, apparently its Abraham Lincoln’s turn to fight the creepy night crawlers. You have to ask yourself who’s next to take on the pale skinned neck biters? Marry Poppins? Mother Teresa? Stephen Hawkings?

Apart for the vampire cash cows being churned out, 2012 is set for remakes, re-launches, sequels and prequels.

Spiderman, Godzilla, Judge Dredd and Total Recall are all set to get the makeover treatment along with the horror classics Halloween and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre getting the 3D upgrade.  Daredevil is rumoured to be getting a re-boot, but a boot into a bottomless pit would get more of a cheer. Reminiscing back to the days when homework was spelling three syllable words, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Beauty and the Beast and Snow White allow us to release the child within.

Drum roll please as the top Hollywood trend of 2012 is: the sequel! Believe me when I say the list is exhaustive!

You can dance your troubles away and body pop your way to judgement day with Step Up 4 (but don’t read too much into any storyline). Laughs a plenty from across the pond in Scary Movie 5 and American Pie: Reunion (the 8th, yes 8th AP movie). The famous ruby shoes take a trip back down the yellow brick road in Dorothy of Oz. CGI animals get the full celeb voiceover in Madagascar 3 and Ice Age 4: Continental Drift. Cat woman cleans out the litter tray and gets back into her rubbers in Batman: The Dark Knight Rises. Scary CCTV and bumps in the night in Paranormal Activity 4. Milla Jovovich teaches us to always carry a shotgun (just in case bird flu returns with a vengeance) in Resident Evil: Retribution.  And if there’s something strange in your neighbourhood, “who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!” Confirmation hasn’t come through yet for the third instalment of the gunge blasting ghost squad but it doesn’t mean you’re going to be short of a hero or two. G.I. Joe, Superman, Men in Black, James Bond and the Marvel-tastic Avengers will protect the human race right until the Mayan calendar counts down to zero.

If the recycling of your DVD box doesn’t excite the hairs on the back on your neck, Hollywood has been kind enough to bless us with ACTUAL new movies! With original scripts and new actors! Only joking, it’s still a rehash of something old but now in HD. Jennifer Aniston does her city girl in a comical situation in Wanderlust, yet another dystopian future is ransacked by zombies in World War Z, and the upper echelons of international government officials have their greatest moments retold on the big screen; King Edward VIII and Wallace Simpson ( in W.E.), Burmese opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi (in The Lady), Abraham Lincoln (this time no vampires) and a Saddam Hussein/ Colonel Gaddafi mockumentary from Sacha Baron Cohen in The Dictator, get ready to cringe and laugh yourself into a triple heart bypass.

I myself like the occasional remake and sequel but this is certainly an over kill. 2012 may hold a few fresh movies but it’s going to take a bit of investigation to find something that’s completely fresh. That is why I beg the student readers to put pen to paper, finger to iPad and get writing the movie scripts of the future, if we’re still here. No vampires! No zombies! No Jennifer Aniston!


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